Hello and welcome to my blog, I am not sure what brought you here but I hope you can find some comfort in this shared experience of being a mum whilst trying to survive a heartbreaking loss.
On 12th June 2018 our lives changed forever when we received the devastating news that my brother James had ended his life. It has been almost two years and it still feels like a bad dream.
James was born on 1st July 1985 and it’s safe to say from the moment he came into my life I idolised him. He was the perfect little brother and my first best friend. We grew up sharing everything from toys and fancy dress outfits, to friends, music and cabs home after drunken nights out. We would often talk about the future and although we both had different ideas about what that would entail, never for one second did I think he wouldn’t be around to grow old with me.
I have thought for many months about how I would tell this part of the story and have decided that out of respect and honour for my brother I would rather not disclose all the details of what happened between James’ late teens and the day he died. James was a very proud person and he did not want the stigma of having a mental illness. He was determined to handle things on his own and despite our never ending worries we always lived in hope that one day he would come out of the other side. It was hard to not talk to people about what was happening with James so I can’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like for him. For a long time James’ and our lives were in upheaval, a constant roller coaster of highs and lows but we clung on to the good times and James had a way of convincing us all would be okay. James still got up everyday and went to work everyday with his head held high. Every time I would see him he had a big smile on his face and still had me in stitches with his stories. In my eyes a warrior and although I’ll never know the true extent of what he went through I know he went to hell and back and he fought hard to be with us for so long, for this I hold the upper most respect for him. We never thought the day would come that we would have to say goodbye to James and when it did it completely shattered our worlds. It has been almost two years now and we’re still trying to cope with the aftermath. I cannot explain in words how much we miss him and the pain in my stomach as I write this down.
I know that me and my family will never get over the loss of James and we will forever grieve for everything he should have got to experience that he never did as he was taken too soon.
A rainbow in the storm
A little over 2 weeks after James died I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I’m not sure what made me do the test in the midst of the whirlwind that was going on around me but something told me I needed to.
Prior to this I’d had 5 miscarriages and trouble conceiving my little boy Jacob so to get this news at such a terrible time completely threw me. I was petrified that the same thing would happen again, especially with all the pain and upset I was going through. The thought of another loss was unimaginable.
With the support of my husband George, my little boy Jacob and family and friends, I somehow found the strength to keep going. I sought help from my doctor and Manchester’s rainbow clinic where I was helped by a lovely lady who had sadly lost her son in the same way. They both assured me that I could cry all the tears I needed to and this still wouldn’t harm the baby. I’m not sure if it was the daily injections, the steroids or whether he truly was a gift from heaven but for some reason this pregnancy stuck and gave me a focus throughout the worst possible time.
10 months after losing James my very turbulent and anxious pregnancy came to an end and my beautiful rainbow baby (a baby after a loss or miscarriage) arrived. I cannot explain in words the relief when I heard his cry for for the first time. I was elated. We had been talking about it for a while but after much consideration we named him James after my brother.
Being a mum to my beautiful boys whilst coping with grief like this is the hardest job I’ve ever had to do but I know at the same time how blessed I am to have these precious gifts. They have made me get up in the morning (and night), get dressed, do the school run and even crack a smile at some of the hardest times.
The Name
I have chosen the name “she’s a waterfall”. Music was a very big part of my brothers life and he was a huge Stone Roses fan. I have listened to his tracks everyday since he died and I couldn’t get this lyric out of my head – “she carries on through it all, she’s a waterfall”. The idea that the waterfall carries on flowing despite everything that’s happening around it, something I feel I have to do in order to be there for my family.
She’s a waterfall 